


Of Secrets.

by Knotted String (knottedstring)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-24
Updated: 2011-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 00:48:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knottedstring/pseuds/Knotted%20String
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius comes to confront Remus about one secret and finds out something totally diferent.<br/>Post Hogwarts fr the boys, at the time of the first Order of the Phoenix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Secrets.

Remus looked positively beaten down by that time, as he stood at his hallway and watched Sirius stand at the door. He let him inside minutes ago, of course, but Sirius hadn`t come in. He came in with anger on his mind and he handed his thoughts to Remus as he always did; passionately, loudly, unsorted, without even waiting for the door to close behind his back. Just as they came to mind. He should`ve known better, he should`ve remembered it was Remus. It was Remus who was looking surprised, and pleased and rather lonely as he opened the door. But his expression changed after a second, like Sirius had slapped him forcefully.

"It is a fair question, Remus! You disappear for weeks at the time, and then you bail on us even though we all set the date ages ago! And even though you know James and Lily were due to leave the next morning!"

Remus looked like Sirius had slapped him again and he cringed, his face looking desperate, and old, and tired. Sirius didn`t care. He wanted answers. He wanted to know exactly why Remus disappeared all the time. James and Lily told them they were pregnant only three weeks before and they all agreed to meet at their house to celebrate it, a day before they were sent on a mission to Mauritius, to recruit a couple of wizards and witches who ran away to the small island. But Remus never showed up. They all waited, and owled him, and Sirius even apparated to his apartment to fetch him but Remus wasn`t there. And they hadn`t been able to find him or contact him until now, five days later. And he opened the door as if nothing was wrong.

"Dumbledore-" Remus tried to say, but Sirius didn`t want to hear anything about the old man.

"Are you, or are you not a spy, Remus? Just answer that!"

Remus looked like he was going to burst into tears. He looked so deeply offended that Sirius was slightly taken aback. He shook his head a couple of times and opened and closed his mouth, as if trying to find the words to say.

"Dumbledore," he said again, and this time Sirius didn’t interrupt even though he was tired of Remus avoiding the question. "Sent me to Greece. I had a meeting with the Lycaons. Dumbledore`s worried the Death Eaters are trying to recruit them."

Mixed feelings spun around Sirius` mind. On one hand, he wanted to believe Remus. He wanted, just as passionately as he accused him, to take him in his arms and beg for forgiveness. But the doubts that had been planted in his mind were eating at him. True, it was Regulus who brought to his attention that there could be a spy in the group (And Sirius knew he didn`t do it as a kind-hearted gesture, but nonetheless) but ever since Sirius started noticing Remus` withdrawal. The fact he rarely met any of them anymore. That he disappeared all the time and came back quiet and closed in himself. And on top of everything, Remus` excuse sounded slim. The Lycaons were probably the strongest society of werewolves in Europe. They named themselves after Lycaon, and were proud of their murderous adventures, mostly towards humans. Remus saw the suspicious expression on Sirius` face and his tired expression changed into immediate anger. He grabbed Sirius` shirt by the collar and dragged him inside, slamming the door behind his back with a precise kick.

In the living room, lit only by the dim sunlight breaking through the shades on the window, Remus quickly unbuttoned his shirt and removed it. Sirius gasped. "Moony…"

"Don`t. Don`t dare calling me that after what you`ve just asked me, Sirius." He looked straight at Sirius and the marks on his upper body seemed even worse now. Sirius stared at them. Bites, and scratches, and wounds that didn`t even heal completely yet. Sirius bit his lower lip. Remus slowly put his shirt on again and buttoned it up with trembling fingers. He didn`t look at Sirius while he did it, or while he spoke. "I barely managed to get back to the portkey. Dumbledore sent someone to fetch me after and I was at St. Mungo`s ever since. I got home yesterday. Does that satisfy you? Are you happy now?"

Sirius watched as Remus leaned on the arm of the couch to sit down and bit his lip harder at the expression of pain on Remus` face. He wanted to reach out and touch him, and he did reach out, but Remus shrank away. "You should go now, Sirius. I don`t think you should be here."

"No, Moo- Remus." Sirius shook his head. All of his anger towards Remus faded. He was sure Remus had other wounds he didn`t show him and new anger rebuilt in his chest, towards anyone who dared to hurt Remus. As quickly as it appeared, the flame of anger in his chest was put out and replaced with something else. He was now almost sick with regret and shame. "That was too dangerous for you! You could`ve died! Why didn`t you tell us?"

"That`s the reason." Remus` voice was small. His face was in his hands and he didn`t look at Sirius who towered over him, next to the couch. "Dumbledore thought you`d react that way. And since he thought you might object… I didn`t want to worry you."

Sirius` flame of anger leaped again. He started to feel unstable. He was angry at Remus, then at those werewolves, and now at Dumbledore. "That old bastard…"

"It`s not his fault, Sirius. I was as eager to keep it a secret as he was."

Sirius took that step he wanted to take for a long time now and sat down next to Remus. He didn`t want to touch him anywhere it would hurt him so he settled into not touching him at all. He thought he knew what it was all about. "Remus… You don`t have to prove anything… Just because-"

"Just because what, Sirius? Talking to the werewolves is the only thing I _can_ do, because nothing would happen to me if I got bitten."

"You could`ve gotten yourself killed! What if they were associated with the Death Eaters already? What if Greyback was there?" At that, Remus gave a bitter laugh. Sirius frowned and took his hand. "I don`t want you to do those things anymore. Those dark creatures are dangerous."

Remus pulled his hand back and pushed himself away from Sirius. He didn`t stand up, but his voice was stranded when he spoke again. " _I`m_ a dark creature, Sirius."

"That`s not what I meant. Remus-"

"Stop, just stop." At that, Remus did stand up. "I never say anything when you go searching some dead Death Eater`s house. I never say anything when you get into duels. Werewolves and vampires are the only things I can do. This is the only thing I can do."

"Remus!" Sirius is startled. "Why didn`t you just tell us all of that? You know I wouldn`t have judged you."

"I couldn`t." Remus replied softly, looking quite beaten.

"And why didn`t you come meet us for over two months?"

"I couldn`t."

Sirius frowned at him at that. "And I suppose you also couldn`t help not avoiding me for so long that I lost count?"

Remus just nodded.

"Well, why couldn`t you?" Sirius asked, folding his arms over his chest and frowning still.

"Because," Remus started, quietly, and then bit his lower lip and his eyes avoided Sirius at all costs. "I love you."

His voice, when he said those words, was so quiet and cautious Sirius could barely hear him, and they were just a couple of inches apart. Confusion took over his frown and he stared at Remus, the other gazing intensively at his fingernails.

"I love you too, Moony," Sirius began slowly, choosing the right words, "So does James, and Lils, and Pete… You know ho-"

But he couldn`t finish the sentence because suddenly Remus` lips were pressed against his in a gentle, soft kiss. Remus` eyes were closed and the proximity of his face was unbelievable. Sirius` nostrils filled with the scent of Remus` hair, damp from the shower, and the back of his neck tingled softly, where Remus` fingers caressed, like butterflies fluttering over his skin. The kiss only lasted a few second, and Remus pulled apart, blushed, panting, like he ran two miles, eyes still closed. And he took a big, shuddering breath and said without opening his eyes, "I`m _in_ love with you."

There was silence. Thick and smooth, it drowned Sirius for a moment as he watched Remus stand there with his eyes closed, as if he was ready to be punched. His lips were pink and so were his cheeks. A girly kind of pink, actually, and Sirius didn`t know what to do. For a moment he thought Remus was waiting for him to kiss him back, but the moment broke when Remus sighed heavily and opened his eyes.

"I`m not…" Sirius stuttered, "I`m not gay, Moony, I`m sorry, I…"

Remus shook his head. "I know, Sirius. It`s okay." And then he paused and didn`t look at Sirius. "I think you`d better go now."

Sirius didn`t say a thing. He just nodded and stood up. He didn`t want to leave Remus like that. He didn`t feel bothered by the fact that his best friend just kissed him. As far as kisses went, it was nice. But he felt bad, not being able to give Remus want he wanted, even though he knew there was nothing he could do. He walked over to the fire place and lit it with his wand, not feeling like he could concentrate enough to apparate. Remus sat on the sofa, head in his hands, looking small and lost and sad. He seemed to wake back into reality as Sirius pinched a bit of floo powder between his fingers, setting the little leather bag back on the mantel.

"Sirius?" He said quietly, and Sirius turned around to look at him. "Please… Uh… Could you not tell James about… About…" And he gestured between them.

"Of course." Sirius breathed quickly, feeling something close to heartbreak. Seeing Remus hurt by him, again, hurt. Hurt a lot, not matter he originally came there to hurt Remus. Somehow he managed to wound his friend, time after time. He turned away from Remus, swallowed, tossed the powder into the fire and walked into the green flames.


End file.
